I have a recurring dream, and it returned last night: I am running in a field of red poppy flowers, it’s beautiful, but I feel a rumbling under my feet. I turn to the left, the right, and then I turn again. I see it coming. An army of cheeses. All sorts. Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l’Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L’Est, Bresse-Bleu, or Boursin. They are coming for me. They have hands and feet and pickaxes. They want revenge for my transgressions against their kind. They bear down on me, and then… I eat them all.
So I woke up, and I thought to myself, to paraphrase a great man, “A little fermented curd will do the trick.” So I threw on my best suit, sallied forth, and infiltrated our fabulous kitchen to negotiate the consumption of some cheesy comestibles.
There, I found Chef Charlie Gold, and he happily demonstrated how he prepares and arranges our delightful cheese platters that all our guests will find waiting for them in their rooms. Watch how Charlie so daintily arranges all the fruit and vegetables and cheese; it’s all very artistic, which is a pity, because immediately after this video was shot, I ate everything. There were no survivors.
While the ownership of this hotel has routinely told me that, no, I’m not allowed to pour water into the lobby in the winter and turn it into a massive, personal skating rink, that doesn’t mean you people should go through the holidays without a chance to slip, slide, and fall with all the grace of a newborn platypus on skates. Not that you should ever try putting skates on an adult platypus; the results are similar.
Here’s a quick roundup of places where you can go ice-skating around the city, and while I can’t truly endorse any of them, you may see me out there on the rinks with you. I’ll be the one with the large thermos of hot bourbon in my hand. I prefer single malt scotch, but it is the winter months so I make do.
Downtown on Ice at Pershing Square: 530 South Olive Street, Los Angeles, CA 90013. One hour sessions are $6 and skate rentals are $2. Open until 10 pm. A quick tip: just park in the lot beneath the lot. It’s not worth trying to park in the surrounding area. Click here for more info.
Ice at Santa Monica: 1324 Fifth Street at Arizona Ave, Santa Monica, CA. Skating sessions are $10, but include skate rentals. Open until 10 pm. Tip: this is only two blocks from the Third Street Promenade, so park there, go skating, and then return to Third Street for dinner and shopping. Or whatever it is you people do at night. I don’t judge. Click here for more info.
LA Kings Holiday Ice at LA Live: 800 W. Olympic Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. $10 General Admission, with skate rentals. Open until 11 pm all week. Tip: if you take the subway, or are a student, or a senior, or in the military, there are discounts. But apparently no discounts for a hotel GM. Click here for more info.
UPDATE: Skating at the LA ZOO: 5333 Zoo Drive, Los Angeles, CA. Not many details, but open until 10-5 everyday and you can ice skate on something called an “eco-friendly hybrid-ice skating rink”. Sounds exciting. Click here for more.
Trees are, as you might have noticed, become a rather popular commodity this time of year. My original plan to celebrate the holidays was to place a miniature Christmas tree in every single room in the hotel, and two in every bathroom, but the peons below me objected for two reasons: it was culturally insensitive and it was incredibly expensive. (Doesn’t money grow on trees? More trees, more money, right?)
Sadly, even after overruling them with my Whacking Stick, I eventually nixed the idea after being hounded relentlessly by some scruffy older gentleman who went by the name of Mr. Lorad, or Lorax, or Lora-lame-doesn’t-like-my-tree-idea. I applauded his facial hair, but not his can’t-do spirit.
On the subject of trees, if you missed the lighting, the Christmas Tree in the Hollywood & Highland Center is definitely worth checking out. It’s big, tall, and could very easily catch on fire, at least according to the Second Law of Thermodynamics. (Lawyer note – No, it won’t.) We’re also taking part in a ridiculously cool little promotion: The 13 Days of Grinchmas, at Universal Studios! While clearly a crushing blow to the English language (no judgment here), Grinchmas is pretty darn catchy. Doesn’t this sound fantastic: ”A whimsical, curving Grinchmas tree will tower 50 feet above the center of a snow-covered Grinchmas winter wonderland.” I bet my staff won’t let me build one of these either.
Also of note, while not particularly seasonal, is the Star Trek Exhibition at Hollywood & Highland (check out their Facebook page). Question for all you dorks out there: if you’re flying through space, and you no longer follow the Roman calendar, when is Christmas? When is Hanukkah? When is my birthday? I think the obvious answer to that is, everyday. Especially if you have matter formulator thingy that can make me Earl Gray Tea, with a dash of single malt scotch, at the push of a button. Check out LA Weekly’s coverage of the exhibit here, and check it out soon, because it departs for a galaxy far, far away on December 27, 2009. You see how I worked in the far, far away part? Ha, brilliant. (Ed. note – Bruce does not know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars.) (Bruce’s note – Dork!) (Ed. note – KHAN!!!)
